Saturday, 20 October 2007

Noughts and Crosses

Ive finished reading the book, Noughts and Crosses by Malorie Blackman, and I can honestly say that it is one of the most amazing, powerful and sad books I have ever read.

It was even difficult for me to move onto the next one, after how the first one ended. Its still hard to read. But onviously Im going to.

I STRONGLY reccomend that you read it.

I can relate a lot to the people in the book and it opened my eyes to something that I have only found out recently, but never fully understood how it effected me.

Im Irish, 100% born and bred, and though you probobly dont know the history of Ireland, let me tell you that you should take what you read in history books with a pinch of salt.

The abridged version (which is all I can give, really) is that when England invaded Ireland (for no reason... just because it was there) people in Ireland started to fight back. Obviously.

The catholics in Ireland were being opressed by the English protestants, and wernt allowed a vote, so there was no way they could get equal rights again. A peacefull protest was lead by some people, and they were shot at by the english soldiers in the country.

Thats when the Irish 'terroists' (or freedom fighters) came into it.

Now I cant say anything about my opinions on this, or my families opinions on it, because I live in England.

I moved here when I was 8 and I have to bite my tongue every time someone thinks they know it all.

I have a lot of people pressuring me to make career choices at the moment, and I really dont know what I want to do. I want to do something important and make a difference, so before I was thinking about government security and intellegence, MI6 or MI5, which would mean fighting terrorists, to put it bluntly. But now I dont know if I will even be allowed in that kind of job, because of the previosly mentioned things I cant mention.

And what would happen if I didnt agree with what I was doing, working there? Its happened in the past.

So go to Ireland and persue the same thing there? I dont know. It seems like Im limited either way, doesnt it.

So, Ive realised that I was a lot happier when I was ignorant to all of this. And now I can make a choice; have an easy life, and be generally happy, and ignorant to what is really going on in this world (they say ignorance is bliss), or have a hard life, work very hard, fight for what I want, in the hope that at the end I can find something stronger then just mediocre happiness.

So whats my choice?

Comon Belle, dont even bother asking that. You made up your mind a long time ago.

Friday, 5 October 2007

The first page

"With the lights out it’s a little less dangerous
Even with a stranger never gets painless
Don’t be afraid"

My name doesnt matter, cos its all the same, but as far as you know its Belle... its a close link to my name, but this blog isnt called The Closed Book for nothing. Thats exactly what I am, a closed book, even when drunk, stoned, pressured, or under the influence of a 'girly chat' my basic instinct is to lie about anything too close for comfort, and then realise that I did it later. I lie on average 10 times a day without even thinking about it.

I love to be drunk, although I do stupid things, just because everything seems so much better (apart from one time, but lets just say that Im now scared... and Im not just talking emotionally scarred)

Im 15 years old, and before we get into steryotypes, Im not emo (I cant stand them) Im NOT a chav, Im no where near goth, and I dont even understand what scene is meant to be. Im not a nerd/gook/dork or whatever else you got (even though my writing stlye makes me seem bookish- its just called intellegence) Im just a normal person, as far as looks go, I have a lot of friends (friends to me, here and always, doesnt mean close personal 'I love you' buddies, just more like... people in my life)

Ive never been close to family, and I know why- when I was 8 years old I moved from my hometown of Dublin to England, and left behind all my close friends, and all my family who lived there. I would probobly had been very close to those people now, but never mind. My mom said that I didnt need my friends, I would make new ones. And I thought to myself, at 8 years old... ok, I dont need friends... I dont need family either. I just need myself.

When we got to the new house I was put in my attic bedroom, and I silently endured the storm goin on outside while I slept in a room with no floor on it yet, no paint on the walls, and no furniture except one bed in the courner. So, that night solidified my new beliefs. My mom also says that it was when I was around 8 that I started fighting with her and basically drifting away. Now she admits that she only knows my basic personality, the one that I had when I was very young, and she doesnt really know me.

I also have problems with a 'eating disorder'... I say that but I dont really think its an eating disorder, I just want to make myself the best I can be, since thats all I have. I guess its a cry for help or something, but even though I need and want help, I would just push anyone away who tried.... Im the sort of person who walks away to see who bothers to follow. But what I know is I starve myself for days, purge when I can, weigh myself more the normal, go running to get the weight down, and that I have days when I just eat normally, and then regret them. I need to work harder at it, to be honest.

I have cut myself in the past, but I regretted it and forced myself to stop. Ive been 'sober' 4 months.

Speaking of sober, I got completly pissed at a party on saturday night, and while everyone else was spilling their guts when asked 1 question, I kept my mouth shut, and even when asked what was wrong I just said "im fine" which is fast turning into my favourite phrase (I got off with 2 guys in my year though, 1 of them twice, and that was a mistake)

I dont know what else to tell you really. Ill post more, when I get around to it.